Every so often, I get this weird fear of sleep.
I guess it’s not really a fear, I just hate going to sleep.
Back when I had a job I hated, I thought I didn’t want to sleep because it meant this day was over and I had to start the next day and go to that crappy job. Now I don’t have a job, but the same thing has started up again. I have the same hatred of going to sleep.
Maybe this time it is simply knowing that if I go to bed early, there is that much more time that I have to spend alone. I don’t like to be alone. I don’t like not having my wife around. I don’t do we’ll when I am by myself too much.
Then again, if I’m up late, I’m by myself, so that can’t be the reason.
I’m not really sure where this comes from. I simply hate the thought of ending the day. During my first marriage, I once went five days without sleep. I ended up sleeping for almost two days. My wife told my that I sleepwalked a bit. I actually would eat and use the bathroom and everything, and I never woke up once.
So why is it that, at times, I really have to force myself to go to bed? When I was in the mental hospital, they had to drug me to get me to go to sleep. I can’t do that now, but I would love to know the cause. If there even is a cause. It could just be a side effect of my illness, and that’s just how it is.
I once wondered if my body simply ran on a different internal clock, not the normal 24 hours, but more like a 30 hour day. I really wanted to test it out, go to a lab and let my natural needs happen when they wanted to, with no knowledge of what time it was. No clocks, no windows, nothing to tell me what time it was. I am so connected to the Internet now, it would drive me crazy.
I’m going to force myself into bed now. I never have trouble sleeping, once I’m in bed I sleep fine. It’s getting into bed that’s the trick.