Doubts

What the hell was I thinking?

I have the attention span of 3 seconds. It seems I can’t concentrate long enough on any one thing to actually get anything done. I figured that would happen, that why I wanted to start multiple projects, so I’d always have something to do. It’s not working.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have an income right now, so I can’t afford some of the things I want to work on. I have some ideas about some web videos I want to do, but I don’t have a camera to film them on, and can’t afford to get one.

Age old problem, I guess. You can either have the time or the money, but never both.

I should just face facts. I’m not in my 20s anymore, so I should stop longing for that life. I’m an old man with a family and my life is supposed to suck. It is supposed to be boring. I missed the fun years of my life because I had a family too young. Now that I’m a bit more free, no one else is. Not that I have the money to go out anyway, but with people around, there are things to do for free.

I should just get some crappy job at a factory or something. At least then I’d have money and could become an alcoholic. Eventually I’d hang myself, but at least we could afford the funeral.

I’m depressed because I’m bored. I can’t think creatively when depressed, so I can’t think of anything to do. I have anxiety about bothering other people to do things, so I sit here alone with my thoughts. Well, not entirely alone, but my wife doesn’t count. I love her dearly, but she has to be the most boring person I know. The fun family member, my daughter, my muse, my friend, has all but moved out. I get to see her one day a week, and its about the only day I’m not depressed.

If I could get over my fear of calling someone, I would probably be better off. I do know people, but I’m a bad friend because I never call anyone. I don’t like intruding on other people’s lives. If they wanted to hang out with me, they’d call, right? I keep thinking I’m the friend that no one really likes, but I’m not so bad they don’t want to talk to me at all. “Sure, I guess you could come over, I really have no reason to say no.”

I know people don’t like coming over to my house because we are kinda slobs. Not reality show bad, but a bit messy. Plus, we have cats, so the house smells like, we’ll, like we have cats. Now that I’m home more, I am cleaning the place up, but we still have cats. I love my cats, but there are aspects of owning them that I don’t like.

I’ve worn out all of my distractions. All the games I have are finished, I have no new models or puzzles to work on, nothing fun left to do. I know I should work on writing my book, or designing my game, but I’m depressed and don’t wanna. *pout*

Should I just accept that life is meant to be boring, or keep trying to live the way I want too? I know I need to change myself first, and that’s the hardest part.

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