A long, long time ago, I had a dream. Well, actually, I had a hobby. Present Me wishes it had been a dream, but Past Me was more interested in girls and computers than this silly hobby he had. That hobby was writing.
I liked writing. I didn’t realize back then just how much it meant to me. I constantly think back on the last twenty years of not being a writer and wish I had a TARDIS so I could go back and kick myself square in the balls. My ability to tell a story is the one thing I am proud of Past Me for, and he didn’t really give a crap about it. All that time I could have spent honing my craft, and my style, was wasted on a life I didn’t even want. I didn’t want to have a child at the age of eighteen, to get married, to join the military, any of it.
What I wanted to do was become a computer programmer. I was good at it, and it came naturally to me. My teacher said he would be disappointed if I didn’t become a programmer, and I guess he must be. Hell, I’m disappointed I didn’t go to school and get a degree. If I had, maybe it would have led to my dream job: Game Designer. The ability to combine my love of computer games and writing into one job would be just about the greatest thing ever, and I’ve had threesomes! Unfortunately, that didn’t happen either.
Everyone says you’re never too old to start chasing your dreams. Sadly, I am not sure this is true. I still want to me a writer, but I think the life I’ve lived these past two decades has killed the creative spark. Too much time practicing is lost, like a plastic bag on the wind. I do want to try, I really do, but I know myself too well. I get an idea, get really excited about it, then I get bored with it a few days later and move on. I don’t have the self motivation I need to keep moving forward on a project, and I have no outside motivation to do anything beyond “Get a job so you can pay for your past mistakes.” It’s something I know I need to work on, and I know it will be hard and it will pay off, but it IS hard, and I have too much self doubt and I am simply too lazy to do what needs done.
I’ve said earlier how I’ve decided no dream is too big and I’m going to try anything that sounds like fun or might make a little money. I still want to do that, but I run into real world problems that don’t simply bend to my will like I wish they would. For starters, all my projects require me to have something that I don’t already own, and I can’t afford to get them. Also, they all require help from someone else, either an artist, a co-writer, and I haven’t been able to convince anyone else that my dream is worth being a part of. I want something that I can do on my own, that doesn’t cost anything outside of what I already own. Like writing.
I have a feeling that, unlike Jesus, this Dream is going to stay dead, and that is a little sad.