Reflections on 2012

I decided to participate in my first writing challenge.  WordPress does these things daily and weekly (I think) and I decided “Why not?”

This challenge is, big surprise, a year-end wrap up.  Click here to see the details.  So, here goes.

This has been an interesting year for me.  As my readers (both of you) already know, I had a pretty life changing event back in March.  I’ve been dealing with depression for many years now, well, technically bi-polar disorder, and I snapped out of a very long depression, about 12 years long.  I am now feeling the full force of what it means to be bi-polar, and I have to say, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

I decided that I have lived too long putting life ahead of my dreams.  I didn’t really have a choice in it, but I decided I wanted to chase a few dreams for a while.  So far that isn’t going very well and I feel I am on the edge of a major breakdown.  I’m learning a lot about myself in the process, like: I don’t know what I want to do out of my life, my marriage is boring the hell out of me but she is the best wife I could ever have at the same time, and that I am a lazy, selfish bastard.

In April, my oldest daughter had gotten in touch with me via Facebook.  I hadn’t spoken to her in almost twelve years (see a coincidence?) and I was so thrilled to talk to her again.  That lasted a few months, in which time she had gotten married, pregnant, and left her husband.  We got into a big fight online, she blocked me on Facebook and will not speak to me nor return my texts or emails.  My heart soared for a few brief months, and then crashed and burned even harder than before.  There is no depression like after elation.

In October, I was robbed for the second time at the gas station where I worked.  This time at gun point.  I quit that job soon after, deciding that I had had enough.  I was going to, instead, start a game company and design card games and board games.  Still working on that, but the current depressions, while shorter lived, are more intense and I have not been able to more forward very much on that front.  I am still trying, but my drive is gone. whether this part of the year is good or bad, I’m still waiting to see.

Due to being unemployed, this Christmas is going to be crap.  This causes many mixed feelings in me.  I am not religious so I would rather no celebrate it anyway, but on the other hand, it’s not much of a religious holiday anymore anyway.  My families all want to celebrate it, my wife and kids too.  My daughter is, at this moment, wrapping the gifts she has bought.  I know she bought me something, I even know what it is, but I can’t get her anything in return.  I feel sad and guilty for this.  I know she understands and wouldn’t care, but the guilt is still there.

So, in a nutshell, this has not been the best, or worst, year ever.  I realized that my life is not what I wanted it to be, but decided to make positive changes and chase my dreams.  Found out that I really don’t have any dreams to chase, nor do I know what I want to be when I grow up.  For every UP in my life this year, there have been twice as many DOWNs, and they were often twice as big.  The thing I am thankful for is that I have had the strength to stay alive through the end of the year, and maybe that’s the only thing I have strength for anymore.

In a way, I wish the world would end on the 21st, but I am not that stupid.  I honestly can’t think of anything good that has happened this year that has not turned into something worse than before.  I would say I could hope for a better year next year, but I would need hope for that, and I’m just too depressed right now to have any of that left over.

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