So, 2012 was to be, I hoped, my year of self discovery and transformation. Parts of me believe that this didn’t happen, yet parts of me feel it did, just not quite the way I thought it would. I did learn that I’m a very lazy guy with no friends. I discovered that I’m more selfish than I thought. I discovered that, while I have big ideas, without a support network I am useless. I’ve learned all the negative things about myself, but never learned what it was I was meant to be.
I sit here on my couch on New Year’s Eve, it’s 11:40 pm, and I feel that life, for me, really is over. I have nothing left to look forward to in life. This is it. I am already living the life of an old married couple. Wy wife is napping on the couch, my daughter is out partying, I was working on my cross-stitch as my son plays Minecraft on the computer. This is what my life has come to.
I wanted to change my life, but I find myself unable to take control of myself. I know what I need to change, I just can’t seem to be able to. I know personal change is incredibly difficult, and I’m sure it just isn’t going to happen for me. I need a life coach or something. Someone who can help me push myself to be what I want to be, what I know is inside me. My wife can’t be this person, she’s happy being boring and dead inside.
My only hope is that 2012 was my year of discovery, and 2013 will be my year of transformation. I had hoped that 2012, the Year of the Dragon, my year, would empower me to take control, but maybe I needed the time to learn what I am right now. I guess the next step would be figuring out exactly who I want to be. Only then can I make the changes I need to. Unfortunately, if I see no reason to continue living, then why change?
I know I’m depressed right now. That’s part of the problem. I’m only productive when I’m manic, and that’s only 10% of the time. I have to admit that drugs and alcohol do seem a viable option. I need something to push me into being manic. The only things that work are; having fun with people, seeing or learning new things, having a few drinks with friends, spending time with my daughter, and being surrounded by nature. Most of these things just don’t happen, and I need to stop relying on other people for my happiness.
This year will either change me, or kill me.