Friday was a good day. I was a bit manic, so I was in a good mood all day, even did some writing on a story I’m working on. It was just one of those days that went really well, even if i did wear slippers to the grocery store. I didn’t get to do anything cool, so I had a feeling that the mood would not last into the next day.
I’m sure some people wonder why I seem to need to be entertained all the time. The simple answer is this: It keeps me from hanging myself. If I am in those rare manic moods, I can keep it going with a good time. It reminds me why I am still alive, and why I need to stay alive. Otherwise, boredom will bring on the thoughts of “What’s the point?” and “Why bother?” If I’m simply alive and not living, just surviving, they why wait? Let’s go get it over with now.
Unfortunately (thankfully) part of me keeps me from doing that. There is always a war inside my head between my two halves. Two days ago, I was “in transition,” as I like to call it, between depressed and manic. It is never a pretty sight. It is those times I feel the most crazy. My productive half wanted me to write, but my other half kept making excuses not too. It wanted to have fun, play games, read a book, work on my cross stitching, anything BUT write. I battle back and forth, feeling anxiety over not being productive, yet unable to be productive. I begin to hate myself the most in these times. Why can’t I control my own mind?!? It’s my fucking mind!
Today could have been nice. The kids were out of the house and it was just me and Anne. We sat and watched TV. A nice evening in together, you might say. So would I, except that is our everyday. Every fricking day. To me it’s boring. I’m sure I’ve said before how, when my wife is home and awake, that I sit and do nothing until she goes to bed. After that I am free to do what ever I want without feeling guilty. If I go do my own thing without her, I come under an unbearable amount of guilt, anxiety, fear and frustration. I can’t function while she is home and awake. This is actually a fairly new development, well, at least to the degree it is now. I’ve always felt bad about doing things without her, but now I am crippled and physically can not do anything without her.
I will sit on the couch with her, not really seeing what is on the screen, for four, five, six hours at a time. I play on my iPad, or read, but I am stuck on that couch until she goes to bed. It’s not her fault, she often tells me to go do whatever. She doesn’t care if I go to a friend’s house to hang out, or spend the day down here writing or playing a game (she would prefer writing). Yet, the paralyzing guilt still comes, and so I sit. Maybe I just love her so much that I can’t stand being away from her, but that’s not how it feels. It’s guilt, plain and simple.
I felt fine for the first part of the day, as it slowly drained away into nothingness. I look up and its 9:00 and the day is over. It’s too late to hit up any stores to get the things I want, too late to go to a movie, too late for anything, especially because I know she will be going to bed soon. (I was right, she headed to bed five minutes later.) I can’t go out on my own anymore, I simply don’t trust myself. I would either spend too much money (I try not to spend any she doesn’t approve first) or drive full speed into a tree.
So, I can’t go out on my own, and I have a wife who never wants to go out. I am kinda screwed. I’m just not sure what to do. I know we can’t do much because I don’t have a job and I don’t feel like I could hold one right now anyway, so money is tight. Also, I am an antisocial geek, so I have almost no friends. I have a lot of people who technically qualify as friends, but they don’t or can’t hang out anymore. I’m a terrible friend. I am incapable of calling anyone on the phone at all, so unless someone calls me, I’m screwed. I feel like I am interrupting their lives by simply existing and asking to hang out. I have no money, no friends, can’t be trusted alone, and a wife who is happy at home. I have a bunch of hobbies I guess, but they only hold my interest for so long, a little ADD I guess. I need new things to do, or someone to push me into doing something else. I can’t stand being alone, but I can’t bother anyone else with my problems either.
Round and round.
I’ve probably said all of this before, but it continues to be my problems every day. Yesterday had so much potential, and it was wasted, so today I feel useless again. I wish there was a pill that would make me manic all the time, but the docs don’t want that. My wife pointed out that, while I am more productive and happier, I am also more self-destructive when I’m manic. If I’m depressed, I just want to kill myself, no biggie. If I’m manic, I tend to try to screw up my entire life and everyone around me to, but I’m more fun to be around.
I said it last time: If 2013 doesn’t change me, it will end me.
I often wonder how much of my problems lie in the fact that so much of my energy now is spent trying to seem normal, to cover up the crazy. Could I be a bit happier if I just gave up and spent my energy elsewhere? I doubt it. The one thing you don’t want a depressed person to do is give up the fight.