For this last week or so, I’ve been in a heated battle with myself. It has come to blows a couple of times, it’s that bad.
Our topic of debate? Being selfish.
I say that no matter what, these are my problems and no one else’s. I’ve been bored a lot because the 574 things I want to do, I can’t do alone. Either logistically, or motivationally, I just can’t do a thing on my own, but it’s my problem and I can’t ask others to join in my madness.
But, I reply, you can’t take on the world, let alone your illness, by yourself. We all need people in our lives, we all need to ask for help from time to time, it is not being selfish.
Yes it is, moron! You are asking for someone to donate their time and energy just to make yourself feel better for a day, that is exactly what being selfish means!
Ah, but aren’t the definitions of friendship and love the same thing? You give of yourself when asked, maybe not every time, but a lot of the time, and it’s usually to make someone feel better in one way or another. We all need each other to make it through life.
True, but these are all silly things, and ain’t no one got time for that! You are a person no one really wants to be around, you are a bad friend, a bad husband, a bad father, a bad person and no one likes you, er, us. It would be better to die helpless and alone than to be a burden to these people any longer.
(Here I punch him in the face.) that was pretty low dude, even for you. I know you’re right, but still, that was just mean. I’m sure someone out there would love to do silly things with you.
Not any more.
I think you are just afraid to get a little silly on your own.
Um, the point of being silly is to have people around to be silly with. It’s like acting without an audience, what’s the point? And not everything I want to do is silly, some of it I really need to do, like clean the garage, but I just don’t have any motivation anymore, and I can’t ask someone to borrow theirs.
You won’t know unless you ask.
I do know, and I won’t ask. The only reason you want to clean the garage anyway is to have room to hang yourself, so fuck off.
It’s not the only reason, just a perk, just in case.
Go play a game. Played all the ones I have. Read a book. I will, eventually. Work on your game some more, you are actually close now. Nope, can’t think when depressed. How about write something? I am writing something, dumbass. No, I meant in one of your stories. Nope, still can’t think, and after writing like a six year old last time, it’s obvious I’m not meant to write. Yes you are, you just had a bad day. By the way, how the hell do you think you could make a living out of being creative when you can’t think most of the time? Sure, when conditions are right, you can do anything, but the are never right. You need to be in a good mood, and you need people to help put you in a good mood and you have no one because your a depressing prick who just needs to go fucking die and leave these people alone!
The only things I can agree on is 1) when I do make plans, they get ruined 2) I should probably just die already. Thankfully, there is a third part of me that stops that from happening, just.
I hate being me.