*forward, or forewarned?*
This is probably the dumbest thing I’ve done in a long time. It is very personal and should not be put out for the public to see, but that’s why I’m doing this. If you don’t want to know, then stop reading now. I’m sorry.
These last eleven years together have been, well, I was going to say great, but I’m not sure that really is the case, for either of us. It has been, interesting, to say the least. I love you more now than I did on the day we got married. I would give my life for you. Of course, when I’m depressed, I’d give my life for a cheeseburger, but that’s besides the point.
You have put up with me better than any other woman in the world would have done. You deal with all that there is wrong with me and never complain. Maybe that is part of the problem, but I’ll get to that in a bit. I love you and would never leave you, except in death, but that isn’t until the end of the year at least. I know I’ve never been good with getting right to the point, and right now I’m battling back and forth about whether to be flowery and poetic, silly, or straight to the point. I just can’t help be a bit silly when I write. 🙂
I’ve been trying to have a sit down conversation with you for almost a week now, you might remember the pie or beer thing. I just wanted to go somewhere that we can sit down, just the two of us, and have a serious conversation about our lives together and our future. Well, you see how well that went. Yesterday, after you got home from work, you were relaxing on your computer and I was on Minecraft. The whole time we sat there together, I tried to start talking to you, but I couldn’t. I started getting overwhelmed with anxiety when I thought about it. My heart would race and this immense sense of dread would come over me just thinking about talking to you.
We have been married for nine years, almost. Talking to each other should be the most natural thing in the world, and yet, I’m terrified when I think about talking to you. Think back to the conversations we have had in the last month. There was what, one, maybe? Oh sure, we chat casually as we interact with each other, small talk usually. For real, actual conversations, we might have one every six months, maybe one a year. The few you might think of as talks between the two of us really are not. They are me telling you what I think and how I feel, and you just sitting there. You don’t add to the conversation, you don’t tell me how you feel, or what you think, or even react to what I am saying. I think it has finally gotten to the point that I don’t want to talk to you knowing how you never add to the discussion. What’s the point?
I understand that when I am just talking about my games or something geeky that interests me, you have nothing to add to the topic, so I can understand you just letting me ramble, as we have nothing in common. Don’t you think that is a problem in and of itself? We have no common interests that we can talk about. Most of the conversations we have had over the last couple of years has been work, and we don’t have that in common either, not anymore. It is still the only topic you talk about, and I listen and converse back as I do know what you are talking about at least. Sometimes I may not listen as much as I should, but you get more out of me than I ever get out of you.
Back when we were playing World of Warcraft together, I felt like we were a couple. We had a hobby that we were both interested in, and it gave us something to talk about, besides work. We quit playing that long ago, and nothing has come in to take its place. We are missing those common activities that I feel brings us together as a couple. It does not need to be a game, but we need something, a project or hobby that we can share together as a couple. I have several ideas, and probably and ulterior motive as well, but what I want to know is this: What do you want to do?
I always have a hard time accepting that you have absolutely nothing you want to do. No interests, no hobbies, no dreams, no ideas. No weird little projects that you want to do simply because it might be fun. Your life must be emptier than mine, and I’m the depressed one. There has to be something you want to do, or always wanted to do, or just kind of think it could be interesting.
If not, then I propose this: Either work with me on my games everyday for at least an hour, or you join me in one of the many projects I want to do. I have a few ideas for the animated game videos that I would really like you to join me on. Alternatively, we could just go our separate ways. We will stay married, of course, but beyond that we would live very separate lives. I’ll do my thing and you do nothing, just like you always wanted. I would prefer you choose one of the other two, or think of something you want to do. I will admit that I want you there on my things not only so we actually do something together, but so that I will actually do them. I would never have finished the cupcake movie without you.
I don’t need you to come up with ideas when I am working on my games, I just need you there to give me something to talk out ideas to besides my self. I am depressed most of the time, my brain tells me my ideas are crap all the time. At least you do give me some encouraging grunts once in a while, my brain won’t even give me that much positive feedback.
I love you so much, and I miss you. We see each other everyday, and yet I feel like we are never together. We are becoming roommates, and I want to feel like a couple again. I need to feel like you are alive and love me too. I need to not be afraid to talk to my own wife. I go through a lot everyday, and it helps to have someone to talk to about it. If you are just tired of hearing about how crazy my emotions are (mom is I guess) then fine, I will just bottle it up or put it out on here. Speaking of which, whenever you read my blog, you never talk to me about it. Maybe there is nothing to talk about, but I would like to think there is, at least sometimes.
Please, for the love of Pete, sit down with me and have a conversation. Don’t do what you always do and wait for me to start talking about what I am thinking but actually talk yourself, tell me how you feel and what you think and what you want to do with our lives. I know that I once said that I would be the one who comes up with the ideas and you help me figure out how get them done, but I don’t come to you with my ideas anymore because I get nothing from you. You let me talk and then pretend like it never happened.
I often wonder if you haven’t figured out that if you just ignore me and my thoughts and ideas and wishes, they will go away and you will not have to deal with them. Like you intentionally say something encouraging, knowing full well that if you don’t give me any support, I will flounder and fail. It’s like you just want me to go away and leave you alone. If that is what you want, I can do that. Like I said before, we would still be married, but no longer a couple, just roommates, until I give up completely. I am pretty sure I could not live like that, or like this, for much longer.
It pains me so much to see that we have drifted apart like this. I don’t even know you anymore, and that is not right. I’m asking you to help save our marriage, which you may not have even realized needed saving. You might be perfectly happy the way things are, and if so, we have a bigger problem on our hands.
As always, I love you. I will always love you. I want us to be together again.