End of the Line

It seems the end of the line has come.  Time to get off this crazy train of a planet.

I’ve come to the conclusion over the last six months that I am a terrible human.  I’m not sure if it is simply that I am not good at being human or that I hate humanity so much that I simply don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

Humans have time and time again proven to be a hateful, greedy species, and I simply don’t want to be grouped together with them anymore.  I simply can’t live a nice peaceful life in a world so filled with hate.  Lots of people out there are trying to change that, but from what I can see, they only succeed in slowing the rate of decay slightly.

I’ve realized that trying to fit into society my way simply doesn’t work.  I’m not capable or willing to do what I have to to survive.  I can’t do the career I’ve given myself, and I am unwilling to do something I hate just for a paycheck.  I know lots of people do it, but I am not most people.  I don’t even want to call myself a person anymore.

So, I am not a productive member of society, I’m a bad friend, a bad father, a bad husband, a bad son, a bad human.

I’ve lost all feeling of happiness from the things I used to love.  I keep wondering if there isn’t something new that I need to find to replace those lost loves, but I have found nothing.  Very little even brings a smile to my face anymore.  I hide the anger I feel at myself for losing all self control.  I just want to toss aside all the trappings of humanity, the things, the stuff all around me.  Almost all the things I own are worthless trinkets, proof of buying into the greed of humanity.  They bring me no joy, no happiness, they serve no purpose other than to collect dust and remind me just how much money I have wasted over the years in the pursuit of happiness.

I’ve become too expensive to live, thats why they call it the cost of living, right?  I know I am depressed, but can’t afford help.  I’m sick and can’t afford to get better.  One of the biggest reasons I hate humanity, the cost of health care.  I’ve said it before, but health and education should not be for profit institutions.  If I could go back to school and learn something, anything, that might have helped.  They only thing I seem to enjoy is learning.  Well, that and building things, like models.  Unfortunately, both of these things are simply too expensive.  Don’t bother saying that if I had a job blah blah blah.  I had a job, a very well paying one, and I still couldn’t afford it, so there :Þ

There seems to be nothing left on this world that is worth staying for.  You could ask “What about your family, your wife and kids ect.” I do feel bad that they will miss me, and it will probably hurt my wife more than anything, but I just don’t feel like I can be a burden to her any longer.  Not to mention that I have not been happy in our relationship for some time now does make it a little easier.  Besides, I already mentioned how I’m a bad person.  I know some people are going to get hurt if I go, but humanity simply won’t give two shits about my passing.  It is a very low percentage that will be affected, maybe 20 out of 7 billion.

I’m going to attempt to have a fun weekend this weekend, one last blast before I go.  I have not missed the fact that Monday is my first born’s birthday.  They day my life ended will be the day my life ends, how fitting.

Yes, I am aware that this might be a cry for help.  Those who talk about their plan to kill themselves generally don’t go through with it, and I won’t be surprised if I don’t either.  At least not according to my plan.  I said before that 2013 would either change me or end me, and I simply don’t see any change happening.  I am still as useless and lazy and incapable of living a normal life as I was before, I’m just a bit more aware of it now.

I’m not sure what else to say.  I have been in some very dark depressions before, and those always scare me and I ask for help from my wife.  This is different though, at least in the way that feels to me.  I don’t feel depressed, so I don’t feel scared.  I know the end result is the same, but my mind has convinced me that it is simply the logical thing to do, not the emotional response to depression.  Yet, I know I am depressed, and very much so, I see all the signs.  I know they are there, yet I don’t feel it.  I don’t feel hopeless, but I am without hope.  I’ve asked for help, but there just isn’t any left.  I eat and eat and yet feel empty inside.  I don’t want to sleep, but I’m ever so tired.  I am incapable of feeling love anymore, despite how I feel.

I’ll probably be back here on Tuesday letting you know that I am still alive, for now.  Even if I make it that far, I’ve run out of reasons to continue on as a human, so it is simply a matter of time.

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2 Responses to End of the Line

  1. bribridtd says:

    So, after you left your comment, I ventured over to your blog and this is the first post I read. Intense, man. I really, really feel for you. It must be horrible right now.

    Let me start by saying I have no business meddling, or being intrusive, but I will say, if it’s any relief or consolation prize from a complete stranger, I hope to see a post from you on Tuesday. I, a complete stranger, hope that you stay alive. I still have hope and faith for you and I do not know you.

    Being Bi-Polar means seeing and feeling things much differently from others. I’m not a psychologist or a counselor of any sort, but I hope you can agree on those terms. I also believe that any person, any human, any mind will filter and process information the way we want to process the information. I’m a huge believer that we can’t just go about changing the way we think or feel, but we can acknowledge it and know that “Hey… maybe some other people don’t have this outlook on it?” Maybe you should venture to think the same?

    While feeling depressed and feeling hopeless is a fight and a struggle all of its own, feeling the worth of your life is slightly different. Giving up means your allowing it to win. Do you still have that fight in you? I desperately hope you do.

    You say you still have a will of learning. That’s huge, man. Huge! Maybe the fight is for the opportunity to learn. Think about your capacities as a human and the things you could still learn and educate yourself on, and then think about if you gave up that fight, how you’d allow your depression to win over your want to learn. Fuck that. You say the world is selfish and humans are greedy? Fuck them. Make this about you. You aren’t going to allow depression to win over you because you haven’t gotten everything you deserve out of life yet.

    I really hope I haven’t overstepped my boundaries. I could only imagine what I would be thinking if a stranger opened up this response and that sensation of “you don’t even know me” rushing through me. For all intensive purposes, truly… I hope you fight.

    • mikemeader says:

      You haven’t overstepped at all. I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t so desperately need help. I want too keep fighting, but after so many years, I’m not sure I have any fight left in me.

      The desire to learn is very strong, but it is nothing without being able to learn. I can’t go back to school for financial reasons, and I think I have learned what I can on my own.

      Anyway, check back on Tuesday, I’ll probably be here.

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