I have failed.
This grand experiment at a new life simply failed. I’ve failed my wife, my family, and myself. I simply can’t make myself who I wanted to be, no matter how hard I tried.
My wife resents me. She doesn’t say anything, but I know. I don’t have a job, don’t work around the house, don’t have sex with her, don’t even sleep with her, how could she not. I don’t blame her, in fact I feel sorry for her for having to deal with me. I tried hard to stop fighting the crazy and just see what would happen if I just tried to deal with it, not cover it up all the time. It didn’t go well.
So, from now on I will try to be who she wants me to be. She never talks to me so I’ll have to guess, but I’m sure a nice boring day job would be at the top of the list.
No more thoughts of trying to make my own company, it wasn’t going well anyway. I can try to blame the fact that I can’t do it all alone, but it’s just and excuse. No more crazy ideas of projects that never get built, work that never gets done, dreams that are never realized, hopes that go unfulfilled. All that will now be behind me.
I suppose I should look toward the future with some optimism, but it’s just not in me anymore. I thought life was about enjoying yourself, but it isn’t. It’s simply about doing what you can to survive as long as you can. I had hoped we were more evolved than our animal cousins, but we are not, unless you count our penchant for cruelty to each other.
I assume our life was ok before my little change a year ago, it seems to be what the wife wants to go back to. A simple life of work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep. No more wanting more, there simply isn’t anymore. I now understand why people get into sports, or politics, or religious studies; it’s something to kill time until you die, a distraction from how simply pointless this society really is. That many people can’t really like reality tv, can they? I suppose it shows that others live are worse than theirs, or maybe they see something of themselves they don’t even realize. Distractions.
I’m done asking to be entertained, I really have no right. Maybe my family is correct in that I am only bored with life because I have nothing to do. The things I want to do (school) are so far out of reach that I can’t even contemplate that as a distraction. No, a meaningless job for a meaningless existence is the only real choice.
I’m done talking about my illness and how it cripples me. I need to get over it. Everyone thinks is a bunch of BS anyway, so no reason to bring it up any more. I have to force myself to act normal, do things normal people do. King Wigglebottom is dead and I just have to learn how to deal with that.
I’m not sure how to fake a sex drive, but I need to learn that pretty quick.
Anyway, I’m going to do one last crazy thing before I collapse from being up for 20 hours trying to reset to a normal schedule. I’m not sure why I naturally default to a night shift schedule, but it pisses off the wife, so it has to change. Maybe if I ask, she’ll tell me what she wants. I’ve told her my wants and needs, now it’s her turn.
So I say Goodby this one last time. I thank all of you who have followed me these last several months, those who have liked or commented on my posts. I had hopped for more discussion, but, as with all my hopes, it went unfulfilled, but that’s ok. Life is like that, pain and disappointment, the faster you grow numb to it all, the better.
With all my love,